This movie is a sentimental depiction of a father’s relationship with his only daughter (Alyssa Milano). His wife is gone, and her departure was too painful for them to even reference in the entire movie. Come to think of it, he might never have been married …

The movie starts out on a positive note, with a bunch of people being mercilessly detroyed in extremely INefficient ways. For example, the first group starts out by becoming garbage men so they can sneak up without looking conspicuous. They get their uniforms fitted and steal a genuine garbage truck. They even collect the garbage for the whole community in order to play out their parts. When they finally get to the guy’s house, he comes out to tell the trash men to wait (how did the garbage men know he’d forget to take out his trash?), but by this time, the thugs are so pissed from collecting all that trash that they pull out machine guns and waste him in the street. I mean. They shoot him REALLY a lot. Just to make sure he’s dead. Man, if it was me, I would have dressed up like Bubba Fett instead of a garbage man and just shot the dude one time in the head and then did a karate kick to knock him down (like Van Damn does in Hard Target, over and over). And I don’t understand why the garbage man did the disguise thing if they were just going to make a scene in the middle of the freakin road anyway?? You can tell right from the first minute of the movie that the bad guys are really really dumb, and that’s how you know they’re going to lose.

After seeing how mean the bad guys are, the screen goes to Arnold. We instantly know he’s a good guy, because he has cut down a tree. That means he loves nature, and HAS to be a good guy. Plus, his muscles are bigger, which is totally awsome. The tree he cut down has no branches at all, which symbolizes purity (also symbolized by his whole body being shaved). And when he gets home, he whips out a brand new (pure) axe. He’s a REAL man. Screw the chainsaw. Then his daughter comes up behind him and he gets this look like he’s going to chop her vertically in half with the axe, and the audience is overwhelmed with suspense .. maybe he isn’t the good guy after all! But he’s really sneaky and is able to look in the axe to see her reflection. He must have learned that in the Army. I know he wasn’t in the Marine Corps for a couple of reasons. Mainly though, because he wasn’t smoking any cigarettes, and hadn’t looked at any porn for the whole movie so far.

So he grabs his daughter and swings her around. And she seems to like it. Once, I grabbed this little kid and swung him around just like that, but he started crying. Maybe it was because I had him by the ankle. Anyway. Because of the happy music, we know Arnold and his daughter are the good guys.

This movie is a unique action movie, because Arnold doesn’t have a girlfriend to kidnap. So instead, the bad guys come and take his daughter away. That was a pretty unexpected twist.

Arnold comes inside his house and sees this guy smoking a cigar in the chair. The guy says, “We have your daughter, so you will cooperate with us …. right?” This gives Arnie the chance to reply with the best line to ever hit the silver screen …

“WRONG.”

He takes the guy out, and proceeds thoughout the rest of the movie to take everyone else out:

1) Shoots cigar man with shotgun.

2) Does “back elbow to chin” maneuver on his guard on the plane.

3) Does the “drop off cliff” maneuver to the short dude.

4) Does the “impale on broken glass” maneuver to a big black guy in the motel.

5) Shoots guards at the seaplane.

Then it gets kind of fuzzy .. he breaks a lot of necks, blows a lot of people up, and shoots everyone else. I’d say about 40 people die, just off the top of my head. But that doesn’t include all the people who probably died in all the buildings he blew up.

6) Does the “stab with giant pipe and say a cool line” maneuver to the main bad guy.

Basically, he destroys a military base singlehandidly, hooks up with the hottie, AND get his daughter back .. all the while, flaunting the coolest lines ever. This is a good movie to watch any time.

“I will protect you” NAAAA NAAAAA “I will protect you” NAAAA NAAAA <cool 80’s music with guitars>